When I Loved You
by Katria Bloom
Summary: This is the companion to When You Loved Me. It is a one-shot, sad ficcy from Lucius' pov. It's darker than the other...


&%$ Lucius: This is a rather sad little companion to the one-shot entitled: When You Loved Me. This one is from my point of view. It has sexual references, mild profanity, and suicidal thoughts and tendencies. This is dedicated to the two people who have reviewed WYLM so far and wanted to hear the story from my point of view. Also, Kat doesn't own anything she writes about, so don't sue.  
  
&%$  
  
When I Loved You  
  
I loved you, that's the first thing I want you to know. No, I love you; it's not in the past tense. No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise and no matter how much I tried to convince you that I wasn't good for you, we stayed together. It was a hate/love relationship: I hated that I loved you.  
  
When we first met we both knew we couldn't be friends. Our fathers were enemies, so therefore we had to be. You found my hiding place at Hogwarts early on, a small clearing just inside the Forbidden Forest. You seemed to have the same idea as I; to get away. We wouldn't talk to one another at first, just sit in comfortable silence. I remember the way my heart leapt when I would spy your figure lying casually back in the grass.  
  
My feelings confused me, especially the ones towards you. I would always keep my distance when we would hide, but something deep down inside me yearned to draw near to you. We were only thirteen when it all started, but even at thirteen I knew what I wanted, I just couldn't figure out how to get it.  
  
It was at least two weeks before either of us spoke, and it was you who spoke first. "Why do you hate me, Malfoy?"  
  
Your question took me by surprise. I drew my legs into my body and pushed my then shoulder-length locks out of my face. I had no witty remark for you. In those short weeks I had harboured a sort of respect for you. Your eyes were fixed on me, the honeyed brown studying my every move. Your cool demeanor angered me. I was meant to be the collected one, not you. A triumphant smile crossed your rosy lips and I remember scowling darkly. My thoughts were racing unpleasantly as it became even harder to remain 'Malfoy-like'. Why did you have to break the silence?  
  
"I don't hate you," I finally stated in what I hoped was an unconcerned voice.  
  
"Why do you always sit so far away from me? Are you afraid I will bite?"  
  
I lay my head back, studying you carefully. Why did you have to look so damn desirable? Why did you have to be friendly to the Slytherin? Our lives would have been so much easier. "I don't know, I didn't want to invade your space."  
  
You stood and came over to sit by me. You grinned and said, "This is our secret place. We can be whoever we want here, and I don't know about you, but I want to be your friend. I think you're interesting and I want to know you."  
  
I don't know why I agreed. I knew deep down that we would only get hurt, but I didn't care. Every night for two years we would meet in our secret place and just talk. There would be one night a month you would not come, as you would spend that frolicking with your werewolf friend.  
  
It wasn't until we were fifteen that I started to feel anything for you that wasn't purely friendship. I was a late bloomer, so to speak, and you reached maturity before me. I know, hard to believe, right? I can pinpoint the exact moment you fell for me. It was like you were looking at me in a whole new light. I took that moment and leaned over to lay my lips on yours. If I would have known what me adolescent hormones were getting us into, I would have restrained myself. At that time it was merely a crush that could have been quashed.  
  
I wasn't remotely surprised when you kissed me back. You were my best friend, besides Severus. I think that we both knew that we couldn't be just friends anymore. We needed each other in a way that a friend couldn't handle. I needed you love, and you needed mine.  
  
You made chills run down my spine as you brought the back of your hand to rest on my cheek. There were no words, just like it was in the beginning. Somehow I found my way on top of you, my fingers in your unruly hair.  
  
"This isn't right," you whispered into my neck, your head resting comfortably on my shoulder. I rolled over to lie beside you, my arms firmly wrapped around your waist.  
  
"Then why does it feel right?"  
  
You couldn't argue with that. It was in that moment with you in my arms that I grew up. I finally had you, and I never wanted to let you go, no matter what the consequences may be.  
  
Our secret meetings began to have more purpose. True, we mostly just talked, but it was nice to have you curl up in my arms after a particularly hard day and voice your concerns. It was even nicer when you wouldn't say a word at all; only allow me to cradle you as you fell asleep. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, your face relaxed in slumber. You were the reason I continued my life. The mere thought of being able to spend the nights with you is what kept me from slashing my own wrists.  
  
Ever since I was very small I had been told that I would marry one of the Blacks, Narcissa to be exact. She was the same age as me, same features. Basically, she was the female version of me. She was my half-sister, but no one knew that but me, her mother, and my bastard of a father. He cheated on my mother and conceived Narcissa. If I would have argued not to marry her my father would have killed me. I still don't see how they never figured out that Narcissa was a blood Malfoy. The very thought of having to have children with my own sister sickened me, but I had no choice.  
  
I don't understand why I never told you about my arranged marriage, especially after you told me that you were in love with me. I dragged you down. I was hurting people who shouldn't have been hurt, namely you. I never said that I loved you because I didn't want to admit it to myself. I think you weren't sure if I really loved you, no matter how much I tried to show you. We would make love under the stars some nights, others in my Head Boy's room, as your friends had the password to yours. You were scared they would find out about me, about us. You told me that Sirius Black knew when you went back to your common room after the first time we had sex that you weren't a virgin anymore. The werewolf knew you were in love. Pettigrew didn't even realize that you were gone.  
  
Severus, my only true friends figured it all our in the middle of sixth year when I was hesitant to take the dark mark. I don't know how he did it, we were always so careful. Severus has always been bright; I'm not surprised that it was him. He was the one to tell me to break it off. At the time I couldn't handle the thought of not having you, especially when I would have to see you every day. Heartbreak was something that neither of us had time for, you with Dumbledore and the side of light, and I with the Dark Lord.  
  
You welcomed me with open arms in our seventh year, even after you found out that I took the mordesmorde. I tried not to let it show how much I had missed you over the summer, but it was hard. I had to spend the entire summer with Narcissa, getting to know her better. So, naturally, she latched herself to me when we returned to Hogwarts. It was near impossible to get away from her to be with you, but I managed. We started using our childhood hiding spot more and more because Narcissa was constantly loitering about my room. I wish that there could have been a way to abandon her and stay in you arms forever. I told you my thoughts one night, something that I rarely did. I never told you about Narcissa, I didn't want you to hurt.  
  
"I wish we could stay like this forever," I whispered into your hair, my fingers tracing lazily on the moist skin on your back.  
  
"Why can't we?" Your question was genuine. You placed a gently kiss on my chest and curled your fingers around my mid-back length hair. I shook my fringe away and sighed.  
  
"Jamie, I work for Voldemort, you work for Dumbledore. We can't stay together, no matter how much I love you."  
  
I bit my lip when I realized what I had just said. You raised your head to look into my silver eyes. "You-you love me?"  
  
It was in that moment that I decided that I would love you no matter if I could be with you or not. No, I would love you even if I denied it. Only, I had had enough. "Yes James, I love you. I have ever since I saw you. You are the only one I will ever love, no matter what happens."  
  
You then kissed me lightly and whispered, "I love the way that sounds coming from your mouth. Say it again for me."  
  
I grinned happily. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
From then on every moment we weren't in class we were together. As it got closer to the end of the year my heart would ache when I was near you. I remember the night I broke it off like it was yesterday. I couldn't leave you, even after I told you it was over. You stayed in my room and comforted me. Why did you stay by my side after I broke your heart? It was your turn to take care of me. We were both weeping. You were running shaking hands through my hair and laying tear-soaked kisses on my face. I remember I was sobbing uncontrollably, my arms wrapped protectively around your middle. I didn't want school to end because when I was in school I was with you.  
  
I awoke early the next morning and just watched you sleep. You had one arm around my waist, your fingers ghosting the skin on my back. There were no tears left or I would have started crying again. I carefully removed your arm and slipped out of bed, dressing quickly. I leaned over you and kissed your tear-stained lips. It tore me to pieces to have to leave you in that moment; I want you to know that. If there was a way to have stayed with you and stayed alive, I would have. I promised you that I would come for you after my first child was born, but that was before I was inducted into the Dark Lord's inner circle.  
  
When Narcissa was in the hospital having Draco you were in the waiting room. I saw you and a familiar pain coursed through me. I could feel your eyes following me from the moment I stepped into the room. "Your wife?" Those two words coming from your mouth made my heart ache.  
  
"Yeah." My voice sounded deflated. You stood quickly then and crossed the room to the door. "No, wait," I started then sent out a hand to catch your arm. "Jamie..."  
  
You closed your eyes and shivered. I touched you, and I was home. I felt you fall into me, your body melting into mine. I drew you against my chest. We fit together perfectly, just like we always did. In one moment all the pain that I felt when I left you was gone and all I wanted to do was hold you forever, our wives be damned. I wanted you more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. All logical thought was abandoned as I turned you around to face me. It broke my heart to see your beautiful brown eyes swimming in tears. How could I have hurt you? How did I leave you? If you had been awake, your eyes swimming like they were in that hospital waiting room, it would have been impossible.  
  
"Lu- Malfoy, my wife needs me, I need to..." You started, although you made no effort to leave.  
  
The formality of my last name stung especially coming from you. I whispered, "You can't go with her, you can't stand seeing other people suffer. That's why you work so valiantly for the Order." You eyes widened, every trace of tears gone. "Ah, you forgot you told me about that. In school we used to share quite a lot with each other, or have you blocked 'us' from your memory?" Why was I bitter to you? Oh yeah, my evil-bastard act. I slip in and out of character. One must appear cold if one serves the cruelest man to ever walk the face of the earth. I expected you to appear hurt, but you weren't.  
  
"No, actually I haven't, Lucius. When we were 'us' was the happiest I have ever been, even if you are an evil, lying, snake of a man." I think you expected to affect me, but you didn't. My eyes were fixed on your perfect lips, wishing they were on my, even if I was an evil, lying snake.  
  
"Yeah," was all I could say. Your bottom lip quivered and I longed to press mine down on yours to stop it. I longed to cradle you in my arms.  
  
You curled your finger around my hair and whispered, "Do it, Lucius, I want you to." I hesitated at first, but you looked up to me, pleading. I gave in to you and lay my lips on yours. It was your tongue that entered my mouth. You had always been the submissive one, never taking charge. Your hands took firm hold of my arse and pulled my closer. I involuntarily moaned in your mouth. I tried to pull away but you held me in place. "I need this...I need you." I finally just let you have my body, let you do as you pleased. I needed you as much as you needed me. Your tongue singed my skin and I let it burn. We were one again and it brought tears to my eyes as I remembered the happiness that we had.  
  
Somehow we ended up in an empty hospital room curled up together in the small twin-sized bed. You had fallen asleep, just like you always did. I had forgotten how soft your skin was. I knew that what we had just done wasn't right. I slid out of the sheets and was reminded unpleasantly of the last time. I wouldn't put you through that again. I pulled on my clothes and strode over to you, studying you face. A pearly tear trailed its way down your cheek and I kissed it away. You grin in you dream and sigh deeply. Another teal rolled down you cheek and this time it wasn't yours. I kissed you softly, lingering longer that I should have. When I finally drew back my wand tip was resting on you temple. "Obliviate," I whispered against your lips and left before you even woke.  
  
I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I swear that if I would have known I would have murdered Voldemort myself. All he told me the night you and your wife were murdered it that we were taking out pivotal players in the Order of the Phoenix. I never knew you were that involved. I didn't know where you were living or else I would have known straight away. It wasn't my first job and it most certainly wasn't my last. When we arrived that night I didn't enter the home, I just stayed outside. It wasn't until I heard your voice that I knew it was your family that the Dark Lord wanted destroyed. Of course I couldn't run to you, all eyes were on me. I was weeping silently as your home fell to the ground. I didn't move from my position until the other Death Eaters had gone. I searched through the rubble and found you, or rather your empty shell. Your eyes were open in determination, not a hint of fear. I cradled your body in my arms and wept, rocking you. I killed you. The only thing you did wrong was to love me.  
  
When I arrived home my wife greeted me the way she usually did after a mission, with a proposition for sex. When I came, it wasn't her name I moaned. "James." Needless to say, she was surprised. I didn't care. She then muttered something about Draco needing her and rushed off.  
  
Ah Draco, my beloved son. He was the only good thing to come out of my relationship with Narcissa. As he gets older it becomes more evident how very much like me he is, including his attraction to those of Potter blood. He and Harry have been dating for a couple of years now. Of course, they don't know that I know. I know how to recognize the hidden stares because I too was in that position. I won't let Draco make the same mistake as it did, however. I won't even make it an option for him to take the dark mark. He's stronger then I ever was, he won't ever let Harry go. He has will power, love, and most of all courage. I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I was to not approve he would stay with your son anyway, even if it meant he own demise. I am glad he is stronger than I because it would break my heart to have to see Harry and Draco go through the suffering we did.  
  
I know that you don't like to see people hurting, so I'll make it easy for you. I can't live like this anymore, not without you. This constant pain of knowing that I was the cause of your murder eats me alive. Seeing our sons together and happy only makes it worse. I feel the gentle breeze from the open window play across my face and I close my eyes. This is the only way to release the pain. The blade sends a pleasant shot of pain as I graze my skin. It brings small droplets of blood, but the small cut heals quickly. I need to hold you again, Jamie. I don't even know if we will be in the same place in the afterlife, but I have done all I can to atone for my sins, except for this. I made up a note explaining everything to Draco, giving him my blessing, trying to make things right. I told him about us and how I can't live without you anymore. I hope to whatever gods will listen that he understands. I sealed it up in an envelope and owled it to him about five minutes ago.  
  
This time I dragged the blade across the inside of my wrist the blood flowed openly. I quickly slit the other, soaking the dagger with my own blood. The loss was making my head dizzy as I stood and made my way into the bathroom. Blood dripped steadily onto the cream carpet. Narcissa would have a fit if she hadn't gotten herself killed.  
  
I sank down onto the tile, laying my head back on the cool porcelain of the bath tub. I made a fist of my right hand, forcing the blood to flow more powerfully. The corners of my vision darkened and my mind could focus solely on...you.  
  
You came to me, kneeling down beside me. I worried about my blood staining your crisp linen trousers. I try to speak but for some reason I can't get my mouth to work. All I feel is a tingling sensation as my life's blood drains. I see a glisten of tears behind your thick wire-frames glasses. It looks like you yearn to touch me but can't, not yet anyway. "Lucius, my love, I've come for you," I hear you whisper, your soft breath caressing my skin like an angel's kiss. You are an angel, my angel. Somehow I could my voice and reached up to cup the air where your cheek would be.  
  
"Jamie..." I hissed and another tear slid down your cheek. If I would have had the strength I would have cried too. "I'm sorry...I didn't know..."  
  
You smiled serenely, like nothing in the world mattered. "I know, baby, I know. I forgave you a long time ago. It wasn't your fault."  
  
I felt a smile grow on my face and I blinked slowly. I felt a sort of release and I held up a blood-free hand and clasped yours. You pulled me to my feet and drew me in to you, placing a kiss on my lips. I turned around, gazing down at my broken body.  
  
"Are you mad at me, James?" I felt your arm wrap around my waist and lay a light kiss on my neck.  
  
You smiled and curled your fingers in my hair, just like you used to always love to do. "No, I'm not mad. I'm glad you finally came for me. You were still young, baby. Why did you give up? Draco needs you, he doesn't understand."  
  
I weaved my fingers through your hair and whispered, "He has Harry. Have you realized how very much like us they are?"  
  
You nodded and said, "Yeah." A distant look came to your gaze. "It's time for us to go, my sweet."  
  
"Where are we going?" I asked, although I knew as long as I was with you it didn't matter.  
  
You smiled and pulled me into you. I rested my head on your shoulder as a glow surrounded us. "Home, love. We are going home." 


End file.
